Friday Funny: Hatch's Stand Up Shtick
Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, fine-tuned his comedy act at a Motion Picture Association of America luncheon this week by telling a roomful of studio execs what he learned from the big screen:
• During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade any time of the year.
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
• The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will come looking for you, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without being noticed, and there's never any dust or lint.
• If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before.
• You are very likely to survive any battle of any war unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman cleans his wounds.
• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out your bills, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• A single match will be enough to light up a room the size of a baseball stadium.
• Medieval peasants always had perfect teeth.
• All bombs are fitted with electric timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• It is always possible to park right outside of whatever building you are visiting.
• It doesn't matter if you're heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you by dancing around in a threatening manner until you've knocked out their predecessors.
• Police departments give their officers a personality test to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
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